Photo by Ingo Joseph
Disclaimer: I tend to save disclaimers for the law but because someone, yes, someone will take offence to the words below, I therefore find it necessary to offer disclaimers and a few backdrops for clarity hence this is a longer than usual article. This is also hard to write. I thought twice about posting this because I worried about mis-interpretation and judgment but I’m compelled to share. So please bear with me.
I want to talk about community in this article so I looked for a definition. A search result from Professor Google says that a community is a group of people who share common traits, whether unseen like religion or seen traits like race. It can be your nationality, neighbourhood etc.
But what happens when the only trait or thing that makes you part of a community is blood relations? – aka your relatives. It can become a tug, a pull and a defeat.
Now, I must begin by saying who this article is for. This is for first generation (1st secondary school or college/university graduate and all first that comes with that, 1st business owner etc.), for someone who is escaping or escaped poverty (poverty of the mind or poverty of the pockets). It is particularly, particularly for those who work daily on developing a mindset to actualise their great potential. This article is not for the middle class or folks from a “progressive” family. I have been criticized for what I am about to share but it has always been from someone of a different social status or from a progressive family. These individuals have hardly ever witnessed life from the perspective I will share so they presume a mean spirit. It is therefore necessary to make clear the intended audience. And if you are not the person whose heart I’m trying to reach, perhaps you can be a listening ear and learn about another person’s path.
I have searched desperately and I mean desperately, for someone who has attained a certain level of success who was of a working class family. Let me be specific: households where the prominent jobs are cleaning (hotels, garbage truck, street cleaning etc.), construction (mixing cement, carrying blocks), grocery store cashier/packer, security guard, public transportation driver or any minimum wage job. The reality is, I struggled because I wanted to remain connected with my community and needed some guidance on the issues I was dealing with.
Well two weeks ago, I saw a few videos online about the sad story where a successful and very young black woman was shot in her head, in her salon, in front of her 1 year old daughter and other patrons who ran and left the baby there. She had done well for herself by 21 and expanded her business to open a salon in the neighbourhood she is from. Well, I was blown away and intrigued by the comments section and wondered where these people came from? Because I had never heard these things before. Here are some (well lots):
“I don’t understand why black women limit themselves for the “black community” when theirs NO COMMUNITY!!!”
“It’s really hard to level up when you’re surrounded by poverty. When you grow up poor, they always expect the person doing the “best” right now, to pick up the slack for everyone else. They act like your money is communal. Don’t talk about your promotions. Lie about your salary. Just tell ’em your broke. If you buy something, now you’re really broke. It isn’t because you have money. Don’t share your finances or you’ll start seeing the hands reaching out for hand outs. It’s sad, but it’s the truth. If you give away everything you could be using to level up, you’ll stay just where they are.”
“Black people, not all black men and women are your “brothers and sisters”, this aint kumbaya, this aint civil rights movement era!”
“Black women levelling up should never do business in the hood. You don’t owe this black community anything. Nothing but crabs in a barrel waiting to see you fall”
“There is no Black community ! When would people get this through their own thick heads.”
“Don’t stay in the hood if you’re successful or close to becoming successful get out of there and leave people where they are. The hood is no place to be if you can get out.”
“It’s not you job black women to rebuild the black neighborhoods”
That last one hit me, ugh. Sigh! Endless GET OUT comments in all the videos.
The resounding commentary was surprising for me to read because one dare not say these things lest you get severely criticised. It also added to my view that there is truly a problem in the “community”. I have perhaps 2 friends who have a similar story to mine and we try to support each other. Here is a brief summary-story of the challenges we have faced…
Your family said by rote, because you later realize it’s not by belief, that you can grow up to be anything. They pushed you in primary school because common entrance/SEA is the gateway to heaven (rolls eyes lol). But somewhere along your life, that encouragement becomes criticism when the different paths become more visible. Every new client, every scholarship, every pound loss, every beauty enhancement, every new item bought, every win creates a distance and draw divergent lines. The mindset shift has occurred and therefore the external and visible shift is now appearing.
You start to feel isolated because there isn’t much you can share with the community and you don’t want to be the odd one out. In fact, you have tried remaining connected while being yourself before and got the awkward silence, you were laughed at or teased for your different tastes. You are also bored because the conversations do not interest you. You no longer relate to your relatives and they no longer relate to you. The conversations are actually becoming frustrating, you feel as if you’re wasting your time or poisoning your mind. You need to get out of that house quick but what an ungrateful bastard and bitch you will be, right? You feel trapped.
They notice your differences sometimes before you felt any shift. When I say there is no bond besides the DNA and resemblance I mean that (minus possible very minor surface common interests). You are expected however to be like the community because of the DNA and resemblance. The lack of control over you to make you like the group (group think) turns into aggression, “Oh, you think because you’re oh so educated you know more than me” “Oh you got a manager job so you think you’re up there” “why you gotta talk like that?” They resent, despise and envy you. You begin to realize, it’s “you can grow up to be anything as long as it doesn’t make me feel bad for not trying to make my life better. Just don’t outshine us.” Any action you take towards improvement, they question if it’s necessary and if you’re not just overdoing it now. And wow, I’m growing up, I had the courage to say the word “envy” haha. I’m cautious of these things because it is what people presume those like my friends and I think but guess what – we are blind to it like fools until it hits us in the guts.
Something else to address. You might be thinking – people do get rich and switch, they start acting funny or differently. Is that difference a positive difference? Also, I would beg to differ that the majority of those folks are assholes. There simply is a commonly shared inferiority complex because certain differences generally make people feel less than or small. They immediately presume that they will no longer be loved. And naturally, evening drinks have been replaced by the gym or 3 hour phone calls replaced by a class. You now have to over compensate to show you’re still there and you still care.
It reminds me of how folks can say “She should come over and speak to me” with reference to a politician, and would feel bad or angry if they don’t. It’s very glaring that they too can walk over and say hello. But there is a higher expectation because of an inferior complex. You have now taken on a role of coddling, over extending yourself and walking on eggshells, to ensure no one feels bad or left out.
You continue to be there and continue to try; you share jobs, type job letters, bring job applications that move from the kitchen table to the garbage, speak to someone to get them a job, give them money for a class, invite them to a course or life seminar, go over for the 10th time how they can get fit, motivate, encourage, give them books to read, share inspiring YouTube videos. I’m out of breath. They complain non stop about the government not doing enough for poor people, they may “catch a vaps” as my Trini friends say and come to you and say they’re fed up with their life and want to do something differently and you’re ready on cue like verse, chorus, repeat and repeat the cycle of trying.
You want them on the journey with you, you want to show what tad bits you have learned about attaining success, about transforming your life by transforming your mind, about the endless possibilities and you will spend years straddling two worlds. You will tire yourself, wear your body down, face insults, go on roller coaster guilt trips because it pains you to see someone you love not doing anything to change their life circumstances. And while you can keep giving, you want to teach how they can attain endlessly but they’re not interested. But you stick around.
Why is it ok to stop hanging with the bad crowd at school but it’s not ok to stop hanging with your relatives? Even Meghan and Harry stepped away for their independence. Didn’t your very Mother teach you to stop hanging with bad company? You may not end up in the same jail because you’re not committing any crimes but you will end up in the same housing community, taking the same unreliable public transportation, fighting for the same limited low wage jobs, waiting for Government to fix your roof and hating the rich yet wishing you can have some of their riches. Poverty is a prison! You are the sum total of who you spend time with. Guard your mind like an army general! We have doors, fences, gates, dogs and alarm systems at our homes for a reason.
“Well you can choose your friends but not your family and that teaches you how to love.” Is this love for oneself? Why are self-sacrificing mindset and actions rewarded and regarded as glorious and noble? You may feel horrible to admit that some of your relatives would not have been your chosen friend. You would not be spending with them had there not been blood relations. It’s a guilty admission but a true and sad one. As Popcaan sings, “might sound fuckup but ah so me feel” in his song Silence which interestingly has some similarities to this article. And it does sound fuck up, and it might hurt your relatives but sometimes breaking a tie is like giving yourself fresh air for life.
I had grown sick and tired of insults and negativity from a very very close family member whom I had to distance myself from. The conversations drained life, joy and enthusiasm out of me. I had to gear myself up when calling them and usually at the end of the conversation I was empty, flustered, confused and verbally abused. For years I forgave and forgave demeaning comments that I won’t repeat here. They demeaned me because of their own fear of loosing control over me. I simply told them not to contact me until they have corrected their behaviour. It has been months since we spoke. Check out this lesson/advice from Oprah to a member of her audience.
The reality is, if your only tie to your community is blood relation you may have to love from a distance. I cannot tell you how to live and as such what loving from a distance may look for you and what boundaries you may create. You will know if interaction is limited to holiday visits, phone calls only, end of relationships or smile and waves. But – imagine me just 1 inch away from your face saying to you slowly– You need care enough about your life goals, your sanity and therefore do the rewarding thing and protect your mental space. Life is simply too short.
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*I know this article was long and had varied content but if I could at least help one person, I have done my job. And if there is any offence taken I beg that you have empathy instead, it is not easy being the loner in your community, the burden is heavy.