It takes balance beam focus and a genuine heart to welcome a person when we’ve heard mainly negative comments about them. We have made the decision of how we will engage and how close this person will ever get to us. So it doesn’t matter what they say or how much positive energy they bring because -that must be the pretense- and they still have no chance of entering your world.
The prejudgments make it harder for us to embrace our brother, our sister. It essentially blocks love from leading the way. Ever found yourself there? Perhaps you are standoffish or condescending or have that curious look that tells it all. The look that when a person walks into the room everyone’s staring or trying to pretend that they’re not. Our judgement can be so strong that it unconsciously speaks loudly in the interaction and can leave the person feeling withdrawn or ‘bad’. Now you’ve become the mean person, the person who will be talked about.
But guess what – there are times when we realize that the rumors lacked truth and that perception is a real thing. Perception being another word for opinion. These types of judgements are all based on our everything: culture (docile vs determined or visionary), life experiences (limited vs expansive), personality (touchy, sensitive), age, nationality (big city vs Farmville), faith (fanatic, extremist vs whatever you wanna put here).
So in our conversation we may realize that the person isn’t what you thought they’ll be and you begin to feel bad and have to unravel the blockage towards them.
Have you been on either end?
An old friend of mine did not favour a certain woman; she thought she was dishonest because of her private nature. She was no fan of hers at all. Back then I thought it was a harsh judgement and would try to give some reasons why the woman is private/secretive.
I have gotten to know this woman, her beautiful spirit and genuine nature. Had I allowed comments about her to invade my spirit of interaction, we would not have worked together and built a good relationship. I wish my friend was able to benefit from such a relationship with her. It simply was a different personality set and no true judgement.
I’m also sensitive to cases like this because I’ve been on the talked about end. And this is where I know culture and life experience makes a difference. I found myself in a setting of indecisive, timid, insecure individuals where women hardly spoke up (Note: Slowly giving up making disclaimers, interpret that statement as you wish J ). Sure, that too is my perception right? It still goes to show that perception and opinions of others should not be used to determine whether you’ll speak to someone.
As a rule, if someone cares so much to tell me/warn me about a person, I ask them to explain the situation. I draw a distinction between fact and perception. Often times I hear a few words of what took place and then a 30-minute rant, which is all the perception. Sure, it’s important to hear how someone might’ve been offended or hurt, but another person may feel/interpret it quite differently. Therein lies the problem and an opportunity to walk away from that old thinking pattern! In other words, I refuse to allow this person’s very unique perception to mar my perception of that individual.
And guess what? Sometimes people never have an interaction with a person before they form opinions. Our funny world.
There is even a case of a young woman who is loved by some and hated by others. I still want to know the situation because our mind compiles ‘gossip’ and then create a perception. Therefore, one not so great but still not so bad experience is multiplied because “Ugh, I heard she was a bitch anyway, I knew it!”. I in ways still give her a chance by not blocking love towards her.
I also listen out for envy, which has sadly been a strong ingredient in things that I’ve heard of others.
Q: But what about really malicious people? If I heard someone is a thief by a thousand French men should I still trust them?
I’m not suggesting we put our common sense/instincts aside, I’m suggesting we ask for facts sans loaded bias.
Q: What about my culture or society which says xyz, am I to ignore that?
Culture and general upbringing plays some role but with our world getting smaller and smaller and with our diverse mankind going borderless and meeting in one marketplace, too many people are forming perception errors. I respect cultures wherever I go but I personally have no care for cultural bias because It’s not truth. So I hear the facts and lovingly ignore everything else.
This talk by Vishen Lakhiani on Brules comes close to explaining that- Short version: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sottwszzzIg and the thorough explanation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDp2XghHUQw It deals in ways with the genealogy of the elements that creates perception: our culture, religion and other lens of analysis.
A thousand French men can be wrong because of group-think. Take caution with stories you’ve heard. Ask for the situation to be explained. Learn to decipher fact from emotion/ biased lens of perception. Share this message. Have a blessed day.